Well, I have always wondered what it would take to get me blogging again.
See, I am a blogger FAILURE.
This will be my 4th attempt at blogging. Know what it took? It took THIS article from Marie Claire. The lady interviewed, Elisabeth Badinter, pretty much to made the “mommy wars” go full swing, using herself as the stirring spoon. Was she wrong? No. She makes some valid points. However, her interview might have been better received had she not come off like a wild animal, which she accused a certain type of mother of being.
BADINTER: There's a feminism that was born in the 1980s in the United States that defines women through motherhood. I find this dangerous. From my point of view, motherhood is a choice, not an obligation.
I have to agree with the bolded. I was in my late twenties when I had Gunnar. Dave was in his 30’s! Do you know how much flack I/we caught because we didn’t have children? Do you want to know some of the hurtful comments made to me? It was like I was a monster for not wanting children at all. Um, hello? Why does having children suddenly put me in a “better” category of being a woman? Just because I have the reproductive ability, doesn’t mean that I need to use it (although, I did). HELLO! Don’t we ALL read articles about mothers and go “Holy shit, she shouldn’t be allowed to have children at ALL!” (Octo-Mom, anyone?)
BADINTER: The gains of the previous century—epidurals, bottle-feeding, disposable diapers—allowed women to reconcile their roles as mothers with the necessity of being financially independent. This 21st-century project of naturalism, which makes the female into an animal again, is a rejection of those gains.
Homemade baby food is terrific if you know how to cook and have time to make it. But why demonize commercial baby food, which is balanced, quick, and accessible to fathers?
While we're waiting for biodegradable diapers to reach the market, I would choose disposable diapers [instead of washable ones]. Between the protection of the environment and the protection of the liberty and free time of women, my choice is made.
Maybe it’s this post that had most of my friends riled up? I don’t know. I think what she is saying is being “financially independent” is more important than anything else. Sure, there are fathers out there who can help wash the Cloth diapers (CDs) or help make the baby food. Mine doesn’t. Where can I go to get a model that does? On one hand, though, she makes a VAILD point: Store bought baby food is JUST as good as homemade (ok, that might be up for debate…). There is a stigma about those who buy store bought vs. making their own. And you wanna know something? I’m JUST as guilty. Do I, personally, care what another Mama Bear or Papa Bear feeds their Baby Bear? Nope. Can’t say I do. But I DO care about what I feed Gunnar. I have been battling this whole baby feeding issue… I absolutely HATE feeding him baby food. At first, I was a little excited... But I fucked up. I bought him store brand first. So, when I tried to make homemade carrots (THAT I KNOW he loves because Home Skillet ate the SHIT out of some Gerber Carrots, and wanted MORE!) he wanted NOTHING to do with the carrots that I made. I was hurt. I was crushed. I was mad at myself. I felt like I failed him. (Yes, I tried them, they tasted like mashed up carrots). Again, I don’t give two-shits if a Mama Friend feeds her babe Store bought… Making baby food was something that I wanted to do to mostly, save money. Yep! There I said. It really had nothing to do with homemade being healthier or knowing where the food came from. It had to do with money. Mama of the year RIGHT HERE, FOLKS!
Badinter: And the parents are less happy. They're always full of anxiety and guilt that they never do enough for their children. And I find that incompatible with the desires of women today. The majority of women in Western countries want to have economic independence, too.
Also, life expectancy keeps increasing—85 years for women. And taking care of kids is just 18 years. What do we do after that, when the children leave? It's much too late to be able to make a living in the workplace.
Um, isn’t that part of being a parent? Always second-guessing yourself? Wondering if you are doing enough/not enough/just enough? Plus, MOMMY WARS play a part in the guilt. “Oh, you Formula feed? Don’t you know your child is going to be flipping burgers at McDonalds because of you? While my exclusively breast fed child will be a millionaire, genius, AND president of the US, and he/she will also find the cure to AIDS and Cancer.” “Oh you Breastfeed? Don’t you know your child is going to be so dependent on you that he/she will never leave your house. You are going to have a 32yr old living with you. All because you breastfed.”---“Oh you spank? Don’t you know that your child will end up in jail because he/she will be mean and aggressive.” Or the “So, you don’t spank? Your children will be running around WILD with absolutely NO discipline…” OH OH OH! And how about circumcision! “You do understand that you are a sexual DEVIANT for mutilating your son’s penis, right?” (I got nothing for those who don’t circumcise.) OH! And my F-A-V-O-R-I-T-E! “You are only having one child? He’s going to be SO spoiled and not know how to share. He’s going to have a rude awakening in school when he’s around other children. You are REALLY doing him a disservice by not giving him any siblings.” And for the ones that have multiples: “You know how babies are made, right? Man, I hope you are able to give ALL of your children individual time. Wow. Having that many kids just isn’t fair to the children.”
Do you all understand how STUPID these arguments sound, RIGHT?
(this response is about women who have higher education degrees and then quit working after they have a baby)
BADINTER:I'm stupefied when I say to them, "If you completely quit working, do you think that in three years it's going to be easy to find an equivalent job?" And it's this absence of vision in the middle of their lives that I find infantile. I'll say it: infantile. It doesn't give me any pleasure to say that. And this intellectual dowry is all in the name of "I want to be a good mother."
*Cracks knuckles* (think Tom Hanks in “You got Mail” when Meg Ryan asks for business help)
Listen up Bitch (Badinter) and David-I-know-fucking-everything-Ramsey: Live us women who get degrees and opt to stay at home A-L-O-N-E. I NEVER thought I would WANT to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). NEVER! Now? I want to be home with Gunnar. It’s like I NEED to be at home with him. I, PERSONALLY, feel guilty thinking about going back to work while he’s a babe. Husband is gone a LOT. Since we can afford for me to stay home, I don’t see why I SHOULD have to put him in daycare. One or two days a week? Sure! That would be so he can get socialized with other children since he’s going to be an only child… AND so I can get a “break” (yes, I said it! A B-R-E-A-K!) to do something that I love but might not be able to with him around, and that won’t cut into time with the Husband (when he’s home, that is.).
BADINTER: Learning to get along without their mother is good for children. What's more, it's an excellent reason to further involve the father in caring for the child. For 30 years, the objective has been to involve the father in taking care of a baby, from birth. If the child becomes the mother's sole purpose, it discourages the father from participating.
I have to agree with her on this. I do! Sue me ☺
BADINTER: If 24 hours a day the woman is reduced to her role as a nursing animal, even putting the child in the bed between the father and the mother, the father is completely put aside. I think this is very hard for men, and I think the child becomes a factor in the separation of the couple.
Breast-feeding a few weeks, sometimes a few months, OK. But when it's recommended that you breast-feed your child for one year—six months exclusively, with nothing else, day and night, on demand—there are obvious consequences for a couple.
Let women do what they want! There are women for whom breast-feeding is a true pleasure. It's very good for them and it's very good for the baby. But to breast-feed a baby if the mother doesn't herself like it? It's a catastrophe. The decision to breast-feed is an intimate and private decision. No one should be able to interfere.
The woman speaks in riddles. On one hand she’s calling breast feeding mamas “nursing ANIMALS” that are ruining their relationship with their husbands/partners and on the other hand she is saying “Do what works best for you.” I agree with her that the way you choose to feed your babe is “…intimate and private… no one should be able to interfere.”
BADITNER: It's true that mother's milk is perfectly adapted to the needs of a child, and that it evolves according to the growth of the baby. It's excellent. But frankly, the formula manufactured today is almost as good. And if it's beneficial to the life of the mother, it's worth it to give a bottle. We should stop telling women that when they give a child a bottle they're bad mothers.
ANYONE who is ANYONE who KNOWS me knows how I feel about this. I am PRO-FEED your CHILD the way YOU FUCKING WANT TO. Gunnar hasn’t had a single drop of breast milk. It was a personal choice of mine. One I don’t feel I should have to even explain to anyone (yes, even Husband---WIFE OF THE YEAR, right here!). I would GREATLY appreciate it if the breastfeeding-Nazis would stop telling me that I’m “selfish” for not even trying… for telling me that I denied Gunnar the “best thing ever for him.” Or whatever else they say behind my back (because I know they do!).
BADINTER: Since the 18th century, the idea was that when you have a child, you become a mother. But you're not just a mother. Even when there's a child, first of all, you must have a satisfying sex life—that's an imperative.
Something of that remains today. It's one of the genes of the French—the idea that when one is a mother, life doesn't stop, and that to be just a mother is not to be a fully realized woman. It's one part of your life. It's not your whole life.
Again, I agree with her. COME ON WOMEN! We ALL know the type of woman she is referring to: The one that refuses to leave her child even for a Girls Night Out or HELL, even to have a DATE with her husband/partner! The woman that is not above “up-upping” other mothers in regards to everything (how they birthed, how they fed, how they raise their children, how their children were walking at 6mos and talking at 1…) These women are the ones that rule the “mommy Clique” at your child’s school, and you may/may not be good enough to partake in that clique, depending on if SHE deems you worthy. She is referring to the woman that is totally 110% consumed by motherhood that she doesn’t know how to have a conversation that does NOT revolve around her children. And when her children leave the house… Because she has been SO consumed by the mere thought of her children, that she is going to have to re-learn whom her husband it. Or, they just get divorced because they have grown THAT far apart through the last 18-25yrs.
BADINTER: Don't ever give up your economic independence. Don't give up your job. You must be able to survive without a man. Because if you no longer get along with your partner or he treats you badly and you don't have the means to leave him, you're enslaved.
I’m a double standard: I agree with her, yet I have completely given up my economic independence. HA!
See, I am a blogger FAILURE.
This will be my 4th attempt at blogging. Know what it took? It took THIS article from Marie Claire. The lady interviewed, Elisabeth Badinter, pretty much to made the “mommy wars” go full swing, using herself as the stirring spoon. Was she wrong? No. She makes some valid points. However, her interview might have been better received had she not come off like a wild animal, which she accused a certain type of mother of being.
BADINTER: There's a feminism that was born in the 1980s in the United States that defines women through motherhood. I find this dangerous. From my point of view, motherhood is a choice, not an obligation.
I have to agree with the bolded. I was in my late twenties when I had Gunnar. Dave was in his 30’s! Do you know how much flack I/we caught because we didn’t have children? Do you want to know some of the hurtful comments made to me? It was like I was a monster for not wanting children at all. Um, hello? Why does having children suddenly put me in a “better” category of being a woman? Just because I have the reproductive ability, doesn’t mean that I need to use it (although, I did). HELLO! Don’t we ALL read articles about mothers and go “Holy shit, she shouldn’t be allowed to have children at ALL!” (Octo-Mom, anyone?)
BADINTER: The gains of the previous century—epidurals, bottle-feeding, disposable diapers—allowed women to reconcile their roles as mothers with the necessity of being financially independent. This 21st-century project of naturalism, which makes the female into an animal again, is a rejection of those gains.
Homemade baby food is terrific if you know how to cook and have time to make it. But why demonize commercial baby food, which is balanced, quick, and accessible to fathers?
While we're waiting for biodegradable diapers to reach the market, I would choose disposable diapers [instead of washable ones]. Between the protection of the environment and the protection of the liberty and free time of women, my choice is made.
Maybe it’s this post that had most of my friends riled up? I don’t know. I think what she is saying is being “financially independent” is more important than anything else. Sure, there are fathers out there who can help wash the Cloth diapers (CDs) or help make the baby food. Mine doesn’t. Where can I go to get a model that does? On one hand, though, she makes a VAILD point: Store bought baby food is JUST as good as homemade (ok, that might be up for debate…). There is a stigma about those who buy store bought vs. making their own. And you wanna know something? I’m JUST as guilty. Do I, personally, care what another Mama Bear or Papa Bear feeds their Baby Bear? Nope. Can’t say I do. But I DO care about what I feed Gunnar. I have been battling this whole baby feeding issue… I absolutely HATE feeding him baby food. At first, I was a little excited... But I fucked up. I bought him store brand first. So, when I tried to make homemade carrots (THAT I KNOW he loves because Home Skillet ate the SHIT out of some Gerber Carrots, and wanted MORE!) he wanted NOTHING to do with the carrots that I made. I was hurt. I was crushed. I was mad at myself. I felt like I failed him. (Yes, I tried them, they tasted like mashed up carrots). Again, I don’t give two-shits if a Mama Friend feeds her babe Store bought… Making baby food was something that I wanted to do to mostly, save money. Yep! There I said. It really had nothing to do with homemade being healthier or knowing where the food came from. It had to do with money. Mama of the year RIGHT HERE, FOLKS!
Badinter: And the parents are less happy. They're always full of anxiety and guilt that they never do enough for their children. And I find that incompatible with the desires of women today. The majority of women in Western countries want to have economic independence, too.
Also, life expectancy keeps increasing—85 years for women. And taking care of kids is just 18 years. What do we do after that, when the children leave? It's much too late to be able to make a living in the workplace.
Um, isn’t that part of being a parent? Always second-guessing yourself? Wondering if you are doing enough/not enough/just enough? Plus, MOMMY WARS play a part in the guilt. “Oh, you Formula feed? Don’t you know your child is going to be flipping burgers at McDonalds because of you? While my exclusively breast fed child will be a millionaire, genius, AND president of the US, and he/she will also find the cure to AIDS and Cancer.” “Oh you Breastfeed? Don’t you know your child is going to be so dependent on you that he/she will never leave your house. You are going to have a 32yr old living with you. All because you breastfed.”---“Oh you spank? Don’t you know that your child will end up in jail because he/she will be mean and aggressive.” Or the “So, you don’t spank? Your children will be running around WILD with absolutely NO discipline…” OH OH OH! And how about circumcision! “You do understand that you are a sexual DEVIANT for mutilating your son’s penis, right?” (I got nothing for those who don’t circumcise.) OH! And my F-A-V-O-R-I-T-E! “You are only having one child? He’s going to be SO spoiled and not know how to share. He’s going to have a rude awakening in school when he’s around other children. You are REALLY doing him a disservice by not giving him any siblings.” And for the ones that have multiples: “You know how babies are made, right? Man, I hope you are able to give ALL of your children individual time. Wow. Having that many kids just isn’t fair to the children.”
Do you all understand how STUPID these arguments sound, RIGHT?
(this response is about women who have higher education degrees and then quit working after they have a baby)
BADINTER:I'm stupefied when I say to them, "If you completely quit working, do you think that in three years it's going to be easy to find an equivalent job?" And it's this absence of vision in the middle of their lives that I find infantile. I'll say it: infantile. It doesn't give me any pleasure to say that. And this intellectual dowry is all in the name of "I want to be a good mother."
*Cracks knuckles* (think Tom Hanks in “You got Mail” when Meg Ryan asks for business help)
Listen up Bitch (Badinter) and David-I-know-fucking-everything-Ramsey: Live us women who get degrees and opt to stay at home A-L-O-N-E. I NEVER thought I would WANT to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). NEVER! Now? I want to be home with Gunnar. It’s like I NEED to be at home with him. I, PERSONALLY, feel guilty thinking about going back to work while he’s a babe. Husband is gone a LOT. Since we can afford for me to stay home, I don’t see why I SHOULD have to put him in daycare. One or two days a week? Sure! That would be so he can get socialized with other children since he’s going to be an only child… AND so I can get a “break” (yes, I said it! A B-R-E-A-K!) to do something that I love but might not be able to with him around, and that won’t cut into time with the Husband (when he’s home, that is.).
BADINTER: Learning to get along without their mother is good for children. What's more, it's an excellent reason to further involve the father in caring for the child. For 30 years, the objective has been to involve the father in taking care of a baby, from birth. If the child becomes the mother's sole purpose, it discourages the father from participating.
I have to agree with her on this. I do! Sue me ☺
BADINTER: If 24 hours a day the woman is reduced to her role as a nursing animal, even putting the child in the bed between the father and the mother, the father is completely put aside. I think this is very hard for men, and I think the child becomes a factor in the separation of the couple.
Breast-feeding a few weeks, sometimes a few months, OK. But when it's recommended that you breast-feed your child for one year—six months exclusively, with nothing else, day and night, on demand—there are obvious consequences for a couple.
Let women do what they want! There are women for whom breast-feeding is a true pleasure. It's very good for them and it's very good for the baby. But to breast-feed a baby if the mother doesn't herself like it? It's a catastrophe. The decision to breast-feed is an intimate and private decision. No one should be able to interfere.
The woman speaks in riddles. On one hand she’s calling breast feeding mamas “nursing ANIMALS” that are ruining their relationship with their husbands/partners and on the other hand she is saying “Do what works best for you.” I agree with her that the way you choose to feed your babe is “…intimate and private… no one should be able to interfere.”
BADITNER: It's true that mother's milk is perfectly adapted to the needs of a child, and that it evolves according to the growth of the baby. It's excellent. But frankly, the formula manufactured today is almost as good. And if it's beneficial to the life of the mother, it's worth it to give a bottle. We should stop telling women that when they give a child a bottle they're bad mothers.
ANYONE who is ANYONE who KNOWS me knows how I feel about this. I am PRO-FEED your CHILD the way YOU FUCKING WANT TO. Gunnar hasn’t had a single drop of breast milk. It was a personal choice of mine. One I don’t feel I should have to even explain to anyone (yes, even Husband---WIFE OF THE YEAR, right here!). I would GREATLY appreciate it if the breastfeeding-Nazis would stop telling me that I’m “selfish” for not even trying… for telling me that I denied Gunnar the “best thing ever for him.” Or whatever else they say behind my back (because I know they do!).
BADINTER: Since the 18th century, the idea was that when you have a child, you become a mother. But you're not just a mother. Even when there's a child, first of all, you must have a satisfying sex life—that's an imperative.
Something of that remains today. It's one of the genes of the French—the idea that when one is a mother, life doesn't stop, and that to be just a mother is not to be a fully realized woman. It's one part of your life. It's not your whole life.
Again, I agree with her. COME ON WOMEN! We ALL know the type of woman she is referring to: The one that refuses to leave her child even for a Girls Night Out or HELL, even to have a DATE with her husband/partner! The woman that is not above “up-upping” other mothers in regards to everything (how they birthed, how they fed, how they raise their children, how their children were walking at 6mos and talking at 1…) These women are the ones that rule the “mommy Clique” at your child’s school, and you may/may not be good enough to partake in that clique, depending on if SHE deems you worthy. She is referring to the woman that is totally 110% consumed by motherhood that she doesn’t know how to have a conversation that does NOT revolve around her children. And when her children leave the house… Because she has been SO consumed by the mere thought of her children, that she is going to have to re-learn whom her husband it. Or, they just get divorced because they have grown THAT far apart through the last 18-25yrs.
BADINTER: Don't ever give up your economic independence. Don't give up your job. You must be able to survive without a man. Because if you no longer get along with your partner or he treats you badly and you don't have the means to leave him, you're enslaved.
I’m a double standard: I agree with her, yet I have completely given up my economic independence. HA!
I havent read your post yet, but i just wanted to say YAh a new blog to read :)
ReplyDelete:) Enjoy!
DeleteYou are never one to shrink from your opinion(s) K, one of the things I enjoy about you. I think you have demonstrated in this entire blog that it is not a black and white conversation and those that try and make it one way or the other really are short changing themselves.
ReplyDeleteA happy healthy child is one that's parents put them first when they needed to and taught them how to be second on occasion and it is ok.
Making the choice to be a parent in itself is a personal choice. I respect the woman that determine they don't want to have a child. Whether they would change their mind if they ever had one, isn't the point. and an independent woman that chooses to stay home and take care of her child/ren, doesn't mean she forgets how to be independent. It will kick in again when it is needed.
My kids have grown and are setting out on their own, and I will say that one of the things I enjoyed as I looked back is that even the regrets I had at some of my choices were ok, because I MADE them with only good intentions. Sometimes they worked out and sometimes they didn't. But you know they survived it, they are not perfect but they are great young adults. I will take greatness over perfection any day.
I applaud your passion K and it is the strong independent woman that will rule the world in the end anyways with or without her child/ren.
Who is this! :)
DeleteI am totally fine with being a financial dependent of my husband because I know that if it came down to it, I would be capable of supporting myself and my kids if I needed to. But, I don't need to right now, and that makes me happy (and makes my life easier). I'm sure you are the same way. If you needed to, you could...but why do something you don't have to do, if it is going to make your life more difficult?
ReplyDeleteAlso, the only reason I cloth diaper and plan to make my own baby food is because I am cheap. I wouldn't think twice about being "green" if it wasn't going to save me some "green". Also, one of my main reasons for breastfeeding is the fact that it is free. These things might make me some kind of monster in the eyes of others, but hey...it's going to help pay for my kids to go to college.
This article has been bothering me ever since you posted it last night. Yes, she makes some valid points...as did you in your follow-up. What bothers me the most about her interview is that she perpetuates the issue that should be front and center during all these motherhood/parenting debates - you just don't know what's best for other people's circumstances/situations. And until you do, you can really only speak about what has worked FOR YOU, with the understanding that it may not be best for others.
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow blogger who has certainly voiced opinions on hot-button parenting issues, I try very hard to communicate the information I have and what has worked for me, fully knowing that it's not going to be what's best for everyone. I know I piss people off sometimes, but I genuinely attempt to discuss my opinions in a non-judgmental manner, and hopefully help someone who may be struggling with similar issues/choices/decisions.
What makes me angry about women like her is that she thinks there is one way (her way...) to be a mother in the modern world and that just couldn't be further from the truth.
Ultimately, if we, as women, are making decisions and choices that are best for ourselves and our families, then we are doing the right thing. And women like Badinter do nothing to help women bond over the shared struggles that motherhood presents - no matter how you feed or diaper or how much time you spend on a daily basis with your child.
On another note, I'm happy to see you blogging! I enjoy reading from smart, opinionated women. Welcome back to the blogging world!
Becca!
DeleteI completely agree with you!! on everything!
Thank you! Here's hoping I can stick to blogging!