Well, I have always wondered what it would take to get me blogging again.
See, I am a blogger FAILURE.
This will be my 4th attempt at blogging. Know what it took? It took
THIS article from Marie Claire. The lady interviewed, Elisabeth Badinter, pretty much to made the “mommy wars” go full swing, using herself as the stirring spoon. Was she wrong? No. She makes some valid points. However, her interview might have been better received had she not come off like a wild animal, which she accused a certain type of mother of being.
BADINTER: There's a feminism that was born in the 1980s in the United States that defines women through motherhood. I find this dangerous.
From my point of view, motherhood is a choice, not an obligation.
I have to agree with the bolded. I was in my late twenties when I had Gunnar. Dave was in his 30’s! Do you know how much flack I/we caught because we didn’t have children? Do you want to know some of the hurtful comments made to me? It was like I was a monster for not wanting children at all. Um, hello? Why does having children suddenly put me in a “better” category of being a woman? Just because I have the reproductive ability, doesn’t mean that I need to use it (although, I did). HELLO! Don’t we ALL read articles about mothers and go “Holy shit, she shouldn’t be allowed to have children at ALL!” (Octo-Mom, anyone?)
BADINTER: The gains of the previous century—epidurals, bottle-feeding, disposable diapers—allowed women to reconcile their roles as mothers with the necessity of being financially independent. This 21st-century project of naturalism, which makes the female into an animal again, is a rejection of those gains.
Homemade baby food is terrific if you know how to cook and have time to make it. But why demonize commercial baby food, which is balanced, quick, and accessible to fathers?
While we're waiting for biodegradable diapers to reach the market, I would choose disposable diapers [instead of washable ones]. Between the protection of the environment and the protection of the liberty and free time of women, my choice is made.
Maybe it’s this post that had most of my friends riled up? I don’t know. I think what she is saying is being “financially independent” is more important than anything else. Sure, there are fathers out there who can help wash the Cloth diapers (CDs) or help make the baby food. Mine doesn’t. Where can I go to get a model that does? On one hand, though, she makes a VAILD point: Store bought baby food is JUST as good as homemade (ok, that might be up for debate…). There is a stigma about those who buy store bought vs. making their own. And you wanna know something? I’m JUST as guilty. Do I, personally, care what another Mama Bear or Papa Bear feeds their Baby Bear? Nope. Can’t say I do. But I DO care about what I feed Gunnar. I have been battling this whole baby feeding issue… I absolutely HATE feeding him baby food. At first, I was a little excited... But I fucked up. I bought him store brand first. So, when I tried to make homemade carrots (THAT I KNOW he loves because Home Skillet ate the SHIT out of some Gerber Carrots, and wanted MORE!) he wanted NOTHING to do with the carrots that I made. I was hurt. I was crushed. I was mad at myself. I felt like I failed him. (Yes, I tried them, they tasted like mashed up carrots). Again, I don’t give two-shits if a Mama Friend feeds her babe Store bought… Making baby food was something that I wanted to do to mostly, save money. Yep! There I said. It really had nothing to do with homemade being healthier or knowing where the food came from. It had to do with money. Mama of the year RIGHT HERE, FOLKS!
Badinter: And the parents are less happy. They're always full of anxiety and guilt that they never do enough for their children. And I find that incompatible with the desires of women today. The majority of women in Western countries want to have economic independence, too.
Also, life expectancy keeps increasing—85 years for women. And taking care of kids is just 18 years. What do we do after that, when the children leave? It's much too late to be able to make a living in the workplace.
Um, isn’t that part of being a parent? Always second-guessing yourself? Wondering if you are doing enough/not enough/just enough? Plus, MOMMY WARS play a part in the guilt. “Oh, you Formula feed? Don’t you know your child is going to be flipping burgers at McDonalds because of you? While my exclusively breast fed child will be a millionaire, genius, AND president of the US, and he/she will also find the cure to AIDS and Cancer.” “Oh you Breastfeed? Don’t you know your child is going to be so dependent on you that he/she will never leave your house. You are going to have a 32yr old living with you. All because you breastfed.”---“Oh you spank? Don’t you know that your child will end up in jail because he/she will be mean and aggressive.” Or the “So, you don’t spank? Your children will be running around WILD with absolutely NO discipline…” OH OH OH! And how about circumcision! “You do understand that you are a sexual DEVIANT for mutilating your son’s penis, right?” (I got nothing for those who don’t circumcise.) OH! And my F-A-V-O-R-I-T-E! “You are only having one child? He’s going to be SO spoiled and not know how to share. He’s going to have a rude awakening in school when he’s around other children. You are REALLY doing him a disservice by not giving him any siblings.” And for the ones that have multiples: “You know how babies are made, right? Man, I hope you are able to give ALL of your children individual time. Wow. Having that many kids just isn’t fair to the children.”
Do you all understand how STUPID these arguments sound, RIGHT?
(this response is about women who have higher education degrees and then quit working after they have a baby)
BADINTER:I'm stupefied when I say to them, "If you completely quit working, do you think that in three years it's going to be easy to find an equivalent job?" And it's this absence of vision in the middle of their lives that I find infantile. I'll say it: infantile. It doesn't give me any pleasure to say that. And this intellectual dowry is all in the name of "I want to be a good mother."
*Cracks knuckles* (think Tom Hanks in “You got Mail” when Meg Ryan asks for business help)
Listen up Bitch (Badinter) and David-I-know-fucking-everything-Ramsey: Live us women who get degrees and opt to stay at home A-L-O-N-E. I NEVER thought I would WANT to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). NEVER! Now? I want to be home with Gunnar. It’s like I NEED to be at home with him. I, PERSONALLY, feel guilty thinking about going back to work while he’s a babe. Husband is gone a LOT. Since we can afford for me to stay home, I don’t see why I SHOULD have to put him in daycare. One or two days a week? Sure! That would be so he can get socialized with other children since he’s going to be an only child… AND so I can get a “break” (yes, I said it! A B-R-E-A-K!) to do something that I love but might not be able to with him around, and that won’t cut into time with the Husband (when he’s home, that is.).
BADINTER: Learning to get along without their mother is good for children. What's more, it's an excellent reason to further involve the father in caring for the child. For 30 years, the objective has been to involve the father in taking care of a baby, from birth. If the child becomes the mother's sole purpose, it discourages the father from participating.
I have to agree with her on this. I do! Sue me ☺
BADINTER: If 24 hours a day the woman is reduced to her role as a nursing animal, even putting the child in the bed between the father and the mother, the father is completely put aside. I think this is very hard for men, and I think the child becomes a factor in the separation of the couple.
Breast-feeding a few weeks, sometimes a few months, OK. But when it's recommended that you breast-feed your child for one year—six months exclusively, with nothing else, day and night, on demand—there are obvious consequences for a couple.
Let women do what they want! There are women for whom breast-feeding is a true pleasure. It's very good for them and it's very good for the baby. But to breast-feed a baby if the mother doesn't herself like it? It's a catastrophe. The decision to breast-feed is an intimate and private decision. No one should be able to interfere.
The woman speaks in riddles. On one hand she’s calling breast feeding mamas “nursing ANIMALS” that are ruining their relationship with their husbands/partners and on the other hand she is saying “Do what works best for you.” I agree with her that the way you choose to feed your babe is “…intimate and private… no one should be able to interfere.”
BADITNER: It's true that mother's milk is perfectly adapted to the needs of a child, and that it evolves according to the growth of the baby. It's excellent. But frankly, the formula manufactured today is almost as good. And if it's beneficial to the life of the mother, it's worth it to give a bottle. We should stop telling women that when they give a child a bottle they're bad mothers.
ANYONE who is ANYONE who KNOWS me knows how I feel about this. I am PRO-FEED your CHILD the way YOU FUCKING WANT TO. Gunnar hasn’t had a single drop of breast milk. It was a personal choice of mine. One I don’t feel I should have to even explain to anyone (yes, even Husband---WIFE OF THE YEAR, right here!). I would GREATLY appreciate it if the breastfeeding-Nazis would stop telling me that I’m “selfish” for not even trying… for telling me that I denied Gunnar the “best thing ever for him.” Or whatever else they say behind my back (because I know they do!).
BADINTER: Since the 18th century, the idea was that when you have a child, you become a mother. But you're not just a mother. Even when there's a child, first of all, you must have a satisfying sex life—that's an imperative.
Something of that remains today. It's one of the genes of the French—the idea that when one is a mother, life doesn't stop, and that to be just a mother is not to be a fully realized woman. It's one part of your life. It's not your whole life.
Again, I agree with her. COME ON WOMEN! We ALL know the type of woman she is referring to: The one that refuses to leave her child even for a Girls Night Out or HELL, even to have a DATE with her husband/partner! The woman that is not above “up-upping” other mothers in regards to everything (how they birthed, how they fed, how they raise their children, how their children were walking at 6mos and talking at 1…) These women are the ones that rule the “mommy Clique” at your child’s school, and you may/may not be good enough to partake in that clique, depending on if SHE deems you worthy. She is referring to the woman that is totally 110% consumed by motherhood that she doesn’t know how to have a conversation that does NOT revolve around her children. And when her children leave the house… Because she has been SO consumed by the mere thought of her children, that she is going to have to re-learn whom her husband it. Or, they just get divorced because they have grown THAT far apart through the last 18-25yrs.
BADINTER: Don't ever give up your economic independence. Don't give up your job. You must be able to survive without a man. Because if you no longer get along with your partner or he treats you badly and you don't have the means to leave him, you're enslaved.
I’m a double standard: I agree with her, yet I have completely given up my economic independence. HA!
